For a website that was developing such a reputation for hating everything, we sure have been doing a lot of liking things. Sure, we complain about the mushroom cloud of garbage the current industry seems content to shit into the face of those foolish to call themselves fans. And hell, we even offered our advice on how the industry could shape up, but it turns out they’d rather listen to the mouth-breathing, neckbeard-sporting basement dwellers that keep saying “we want more moé” and “abandon all originality because we’re a bunch of Pocky-guzzling jerks with no sense of history” rather than that of the professional opinion makers here at Colony Drop Incorporated LLC.
With half of the Colony Drop staff back off the wagon and one staff member on probation for punching a police dog in the face at a convention whose name is withheld for legal purposes, the kid gloves are coming off and we’re going to “colony drop” a metric fuckton of cranky on your ass. In the words of Frank Costanza: “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it.”
Welcome to the first installment of Operation British.
The target of Operation British? You are. Yeah you, the jerk behind that flat screen monitor reading this right now in a Firefox tab (or god help you, Opera) that’s obscuring your desktop wallpaper image of either an anime character that would make your mom think you were a pedophile if she saw it, or a nightscape photo of Tokyo.
Yeah, you’re the jerk killing anime this week because you keep reading anime blogs and by now you should know better. Hopefully you’re not one of those raging creeps with a Ryo-Ohki plushie where your head should be. We’ve touched before on how much anime blogs suck, but you’re still not getting the picture.
We’ve managed to publish 10 months of genius, paradigm-shifting articles to show you how this shit is done. Hell, we even showed you some other anime blogs that kick ass so you wouldn’t think we were totally full of ourselves and maybe learn a thing or two. But Casbal Deikun on a cracker, you haven’t learned a damned thing and it’s getting tiresome.
We maintain a large list of anime news feeds in our rss readers to stay up to date on the septic tank explosion all over your face that some call the “anime blogosphere.” A few are kept on there simply because they’re great to laugh at. Others are on there because they’re good to talk about why they’re so bad; and they’re great to laugh at.
Take Japanator for instance, not only do they manage to crap out multiple boring posts every day, they get paid to do it. Take a gander at this guide for visiting Japan. Factually incorrect throughout and borderline racist (you could write an entire post on how nearly every point on that list is in some way wrong (lesson is don’t get Japan travel tips from smellnerds)), but it’s also clearly written by someone who’s been to Japan once or twice and now considers themselves an expert.
Japanator also has a weekly anime music video feature, and as anyone who has half a cerebral cortex remaining, or has ever ventured into the soul-devouring halls of an anime convention, can tell you, anime music videos are shit. They are universally, irredeemably terrible things and if you think otherwise, we’d suggest you stop yourself right now because you are wrong. Browsing around Japanator quickly shows how utterly devoid it is of interesting or informational posts; the anime blog equivalent of a Fruit Loops sandwich made with two slices of Wonderbread.
Further adding to the travesty is a section in their weekly recap that they call “Sugoi Stuff.” If we have to explain to explain to you why this use of sugoi is infuriating, close this browser tab immediately and go back to surfing the Anime News Network forums.
Carrying on with the topic of shit-awful blogs, check out Japanator’s sister-blog Tomopop, whose 2008 toy of the year list was a veritable who’s who of semen-on-figure girl figures. Here’s a hint, guys: toys have joints and are meant to be played with. 1/6-scale figures of anime characters meant to be displayed in your shameful hovel of a room or ejaculated upon are not toys, they’re an embarrassment to the staff of Colony Drop, your parents, your extended family and the men and women of our armed forces who have given their lives to protect the freedom of our country (Colony Drop is produced and published in these United States of Fuck Yeah).
While some might criticize us for calling out these slackers by name, keep in mind they get paid for their “product.” That means they’re practically “professional” (whatever the hell that means in the context of writing about Japanese cartoons), so they require, nay, deserve it. On the note of people who get paid to churn out garbage, check out the previous writer of Anime News Network’s Hey, Answerman column. He called it quits because getting paid to write a weekly column that involved looking up the answers to mail-in questions on Wikipedia was too “life sucking” to continue. With roughly 100 percent of the Colony Drop staff being unemployed and/or underemployed and roughly 100 percent of the Colony Drop staff being fucking bleeding edge experts on Japtoons, we can’t help but shake our heads at this guy.
Moving right along, we’ve decided to provide a short list of helpful rules to help the anime bloggers of the Internet to get their shit together, since obviously showing them by fantastic example isn’t working out. Keep in mind that much of the Colony Drop staff has a higher education background in writing or journalism, which doesn’t just make us virtually unemployable (see above), but also means we kind of know what we’re talking about.
Rule One: Stop Using So Many Damn Images
If we wanted to look at images we’d browse an image board or use Google Image Search. Blogs are for writin’ and those huge-ass images you keep throwing into your posts are distracting and break up the flow. So if you’re going to use images, for the love of Ohata make them small.
Rule Two: Proofread Your Posts
Holy Lord, will this make a difference. Here at Colony Drop we have a different staff member proofread each post at least once, resulting in an immeculate heap of prose and fine english devoid of spelling mistakes. Even if you don’t have the luxury of having someone else proofread your verbal spew, proofread it yourself. Buy a copy of the AP Stylebook. Hell, do it twice.
Rule Three: Never, Ever, Post a Chat or Instant Messenger Conversation as a “Post”
Or if you’re going to, at least format it so that it doesn’t look like you just hit Select All and Copy. If we wanted to read hilarious Internet conversations we’d read Bash, so try and rewrite it like a proper piece of writing. This applies to game chat logs from online chess games as well.
Rule Four: Provide Context
If you’re going to write about a specific character from a specific anime in a specific way, at least try and give us some background. Not all of us watch Naruto, Soul Eater and Bleach (FYI we don’t, obviously, because we’re no longer 12 years old).
Rule Five: Stop Using 4chan Memes
It makes you sound like an illiterate 12 year old. There are far more intelligent ways to phrase things without having to use words like “moonrunes,” “epic fail,” or “GAR.” And if you even think of posting one of those always-unfunny demotivational images, delete your blog immediately and look into suicide via Pocky-asphyxiation.