The early 1984 release of Lolita Anime ushered in the era of the hentai anime with a pained underage whimper. Not just opening the door for the likes of tentacles and aliens with hard-ons, the adroitly named Lolita Anime is also an ancestor of anime’s great shame: moé. As the creepy fandom it helped create overruns anime in almost every potential form, Lolita Anime has been largely forgotten as a strange footnote in anime history. As poorly animated as you’d expect but not nearly as pornographic as some might hope, it provides an unusual glimpse into an earlier era of anime culture- assuming you can stomach it.
I’ve attempted to make the following article respectable, but it’s still a blog post about a 24 year-old pornographic cartoon. You might not want to read this at work, or really, anywhere.
It’s hard to convey the self-loathing and shame I felt while scouring the Internet for episodes of this pioneering pedophillic anime. Even as I reminded myself it was for research, I was struggling to understand how creepy weirdos could deal with this crap on a regular basis and not feel inordinate amounts of shame. Consisting of six episodes released between 1984 and 1985, I was unable to track down the first and last episodes of this masterpiece of cartoon sex. As the last episode is just a clip show anyways and I’ve already sat through nearly two hours of this crap, I think I’m qualified to tell you how awful it is even if I haven’t seen the entire thing.
The best place to start might be the plot lines, which range from painfully cliché (although in the context of the time we might be witnessing the birth of certain hentai tropes, but who knows and who cares?) to absolutely bizarre. While each episode contains unrelated stories featuring (usually) unrelated characters, the common link is that they’re all crap and they all feature adults having sex with children.
As the second episode begins, you might be fooled into thinking it was a typical high school drama anime. Some girl on the high school tennis team has the hots for the tennis team’s captain and engineers a plot to spend some time with him by leaving her commuter pass under his couch during a team party at his house. On her way home she excuses herself from her friends to go back and retrieve it, but her plans are interrupted by a creepy old dude who decides to rape her in a playground.
Saved by the tennis captain, she goes back to his house to clean up. In true hentai logic she then proceeds to have sex with him, as apparently getting raped just isn’t that big of deal. Just in case the crudely drawn animation of them boning wasn’t enough to turn you off, the animators decided to throw in a whole bunch of imagery relating to her losing her virginity. While I’m no expert in hentai anime, I’d be curious to learn if the “girl holding a giant porksword that explodes into blood” motif used here found its way into other hentai videos. The story ends with them continuing to screw against the backdrop of a tropical island as red waves crash crash across the background.
Amazingly, it’s all over in 13 minutes. But just as you might breathe a sigh of relief you realize this episode actually contains two separate stories, the second of which revolves around a girl at a European boarding school who is caught dry humping a statue by her teacher and then proceeds to snog him instead. Later she has a couple of lesbian experiences with her new roommate and has sex with the school’s principal (a priest) just to make for some embarrassing photos.
As if the bizarre imagery used during the sex scenes wasn’t enough, the character designs look like pseudo-anime abortions that remind me a lot of those bible cartoons from the same era.
The rest of the episodes follow a similar format of a young girl in a questionable situation and the terribly drawn coitus that follows. The third episode looks a lot like your typical low budget 80’s sci-fi anime, complete with poorly drawn cameos of Lum and Lynn Minmay and a main character who could have fit in among the cast of Project A-Ko. It’s about a guy who falls into a toilet and finds himself in an inter-galactic disco where he’s told he can have sex with any woman he sees. He promptly chooses the youngest looking one and has sex with her in a variety of situations on some kind of futuristic holodeck for bumping uglies. There’s a slightly amusing scene where our naked hero uses a light saber attached to his “banana” to fight the young girl who finally gets around to resisting his strange sexual fantasies, but it’s still mostly poorly drawn hanky panky (this time devoid of nipples or any genitalia) often against a background of the night sky. There’s also a “music video” at the end featuring the Project A-Ko reject surfing and hanging out on the beach, but it’s just a bunch of still images set to terrible 80’s anime synth. Surprisingly it’s completely devoid of any explicit nudity, which makes its inclusion all the more bizarre.
The real shame here is that Lolita Anime isn’t so-bad-it’s-funny, it’s so-bad-it’s-fucking-awful. As hilarious as dry humping classic Greek statues and shagging in holodecks might be, the problem is that these brief moments of unintentional humor are surrounded by way too much cartoon intercourse with children. This unfortunate fact means that as much as you laugh at the absolutely terrible parts, you’re still going to be left feeling disgusted. That why you’ll never see this garbage at any convention panel showing the “Worst Anime Ever,” even though Lolita Anime might in fact be one of the worst anime series ever.
I’m going to talk about one more episode and then end this, because at some point in the future somebody might Google my name and I’d rather have to explain a one page article about sex cartoons instead of a two or three page article.
Episode five features the same Project A-Ko reject and a surfing theme apparently taken from the music video at the end of episode three. Things start out right with her getting a beef injection from some creepy dude who is very obviously way older than she is. But this creepy dude can’t be all bad as he’s helping some kid learn how to surf, although a little while later A-Ko reject nails the kid too. Fitting with the surfing theme there’s even a joke about the kid “wiping out,” because nothing spells comedy like premature ejaculation jokes.
At some point she’s rubbing bacon with the old dude again and he turns into some sort of energy-demon while the background changes to the stock anime “alternate dimension” design. A-ko reject remains unfazed and the terrible cartoon boot knocking continues. A little while later she plays hide the sausage with a little black kid who is not only drawn in that super-offensive anime blackface style, but according to my precise aging techniques is well under 10 years old. As if all these dudes porking a little girl weren’t enough, you’ve got to thrown in a 6-year old kid with blackface. Thanks, Japan! Oh yeah, and creepy dude takes his surfing protege for a ride in his car and puts the moves on him. The episode wraps up with creepy dude turning into energy and taking A-ko reject with him into his alternative dimension or whatever, leaving the surfing kid to wonder where they went.
In the end all I can say is, don’t watch Lolita Anime. You will hate yourself for wasting the time spent downloading it and watching it, and unless you’re a completely twisted sicko you’ll probably feel just as ashamed as I did. As a hentai anime it’s old and completely unarousing. As a normal anime it’s probably the worst I’ve ever seen. As a cartoon with children doing the nasty it’s revolting and upsetting, and I’ve been around anime fandom long enough to not usually be totally disgusted by this kind of stuff (because Japan is so crazy) but yeah, this is pretty bad.